ClarinetOCD

Home sweet Home (Bullshit!)

Every year this happens; I come home for the summer, fall, and christmas break, I relax for the first week or so, and then everything becomes shitty. 

I’ve been trying to find a job and a couple of places have gotten my hopes up just to become crushed in the end.

BUT that’s not what I’m ranting about. I’m freaking irritated at the over all aspect of having to be home for all my breaks. Because for some ungodly reason my parents just can’t move on with their lives without having me there.

Having me here. Suffering. Miserable. Frustrated.

I’m having to live on someone else’s schedule. I need to do things my way and when I need to do them. If i can’t have that then there needs to be some kind of group effort going on. And so far… NONE. No group effort. When I come home I have chores. I do these chores to appease the family and ensure that the day goes by better because one more thing is already completed. Do you think my brother’s have that aspect on approaching an incomplete task????

NO

I have to be the one to pick up slack. WHY?! Because I hate looking at incomplete chores: dirty clothes waiting to be washed, a nasty-ass bathroom, filthy dishes in the sink, clothes that need to be folded, dishes still in the dishwasher, and the list goes on and on. 

So instead of my parents actually trying to you know use their Parenting-skills and discipline my brothers, they put it off on me. Just now Mom said, “Well you’re just going to have to figure out what to do with the dishes on your own. Daniel (my little bro) isn’t here. He’s at school. It’s your problem now.”

EXCUSE ME?!?!? Not my problem. My problem is the lack of parenting in this house. I mean my parents laid down the law on me and do a WONDERFUL job of making me feel INSIGNIFICANT. So every time I come home I have to see how much my parents have slacked off in their parenting and watch my brothers suffer.

Even though it’s sounds like I’ve suffered, but no, I haven’t. I’m thankful my parents gave a shit about and rode my back about every little possible thing. 
{Even though now I’m facing a very personal issue of not feeling significant because i can’t get a job and I’m stuck at home having to live under authority. Instead, I could be out auditioning many places, having fun, learning, and being my own  source of authority and discipline. But no, apparently that’s not the time yet. one day. one day.}

Anyway. Jacob (my middle bro) is extremely lazy and has no drive to do anything and could care less to respond to my parents about anything. Daniel (the youngest) pitches an attitude about EVERYTHING and talks back to my parents like their teenagers. 

I was brought up to act quickly, get my shit done, and respect those who are older and hold parental value over yourself. Apparently my parents got tired of enforcement.

That’s unacceptable. 

And to add to the list, this town is really boring and all my friends are doing so many things with their lives. They are getting to spend time with all their other friends. I’m left in this dump of a town: lexington. Here in Davidson County hardly anyone is musically oriented. I’ve tried giving lessons and last summer I had ONE student out of TWELVE potential kids. It sucks. i’d rather be playing my clarinet and getting a job in music rather than scavenging around for a dinky useless job that’ll be eventually a waste of time and effort.

RANT. OVER.

I apologize for all of this and I expect most of you won’t even read all of it anyway. I don’t really give a fuck.

I know all of this has sounded really negative. But I mean, i need to rant sometimes and I don’t get the chance to do so. Also, typing out my frustration helps clear my mind of the harsh reality that is better known as Lexington.

i am thankful for so many things, like my home. It’s gotten to a point where I know this will always be my home, but I need away from it. This is where i was raised, but I need to carry myself far from this place and be able to support myself. I need to make my own home. 

This home is just family. And it will only  be known as family once I move.

I need venture down my path a bit further.